Relapse

A lot of changes came about for me this year. I entered treatment, left treatment being homeless, ended my marraige, and moved to Alaska. Beyond entering treatment, any one of thoe latter events would have driven me to extremes. Most in AK and some in WA who know me well (or even at all in AK), know that I knew how to party.

I moved to Alaska, a strong, determined, woman and along the way, due to my own sabbotage, managed to give away any power I had. I stopped staying in touch with the people that helpe me stay sober, not by anything they do, but by the mere fact that I was willing to reach out. Somewhere along the way I gave up. I started hating myself. I said "Screw it!"

On paper, to most, I don't look good. Im divorced, unemployed, an addict (to many things), etc. See how quickley I went to the negative first? I know I am a strong person of character, that got sidetracked along the way. I know I am made perfect as I am, flaws and all. Addictions and all. My addiction is to be someting that allows me to grow in trying to overcome it. I can also be an example to others. I need to get back to that woman again. I need to stop letting others opinions about me allow me to give anything away, and give in. I need to embrace that others opinions about me are usually a reflection of something in themselves and I need to consider the source of such opinions.

So here I sit, back at SSH for what we like to call a "six pack", which is only a six day ass kicking, and honestly much more harsh (at least on me) than the initial treatment. I know some people say that relapse is NOT an option. It wasn't for me when I left, and it's not for me this time. That being said, it still happened. For me the only thing wrong with relapse is not learing from it. I've learned a lot from this so far and know somethings I need to do, one being to reach out more in Alaska, and I'm not talking twelve step, AA either. I need to reach out to old friends, and new.

So, here I sit, climbing back to the top...yet again.