Relapse

A lot of changes came about for me this year. I entered treatment, left treatment being homeless, ended my marraige, and moved to Alaska. Beyond entering treatment, any one of thoe latter events would have driven me to extremes. Most in AK and some in WA who know me well (or even at all in AK), know that I knew how to party.

I moved to Alaska, a strong, determined, woman and along the way, due to my own sabbotage, managed to give away any power I had. I stopped staying in touch with the people that helpe me stay sober, not by anything they do, but by the mere fact that I was willing to reach out. Somewhere along the way I gave up. I started hating myself. I said "Screw it!"

On paper, to most, I don't look good. Im divorced, unemployed, an addict (to many things), etc. See how quickley I went to the negative first? I know I am a strong person of character, that got sidetracked along the way. I know I am made perfect as I am, flaws and all. Addictions and all. My addiction is to be someting that allows me to grow in trying to overcome it. I can also be an example to others. I need to get back to that woman again. I need to stop letting others opinions about me allow me to give anything away, and give in. I need to embrace that others opinions about me are usually a reflection of something in themselves and I need to consider the source of such opinions.

So here I sit, back at SSH for what we like to call a "six pack", which is only a six day ass kicking, and honestly much more harsh (at least on me) than the initial treatment. I know some people say that relapse is NOT an option. It wasn't for me when I left, and it's not for me this time. That being said, it still happened. For me the only thing wrong with relapse is not learing from it. I've learned a lot from this so far and know somethings I need to do, one being to reach out more in Alaska, and I'm not talking twelve step, AA either. I need to reach out to old friends, and new.

So, here I sit, climbing back to the top...yet again.

Why I don't Drink

Recently, I received this from a friend. I thought it fitting. I've had several people ask me why I don't drink. I've also had several people say that they thought it would be funny to see me drunk again. Needless to say, I no longer talk with the latter. To the former, I can't really come up with a better response than this:

"Why don't you drink anymore?", a renewed acuaintance from long ago asked the other day. "Any more than who?", I replied. "I mean drink anything these days?" "Drink? I DO drink! I drink coffee, milk, tea, soda, water...." I mean drink, you know, booze?"

Here are the reasons why: I drank for happiness, and became unhappy. I drank for joy, and became miserable. I drank to be outgoing, but became self-centered. I drank for sociability, but became argumentative and lonely...I drank for sophistication, and became crude and obnoxious. I drank for friendship, instead making enemies. I drank to soften sorrow, and wallowed in self-pity. I drank for sleep and awekened without rest. I drank for strength, but felt weak. I drank medicinally and got sick. I drank because I thought my job called for it, and lost my job. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes. I drank for confidence, and became insecure. I drank for courage, but became afraid. I drank for assurance and became doubtful. I drank to stimuate thought and blacked out. I drank to make conversation and tied my tongue. I drank for warmth and lost my cool; I drank for coolness, and lost my warmth....I drank to feel heavenly and came to know hell. I drank to forget, but became haunted. I drank for freedom and became a slave. I drank for power and became powerless. I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply. I drank to cope with life and invited death. I drank because I HAD THE RIGHT, but everything turned out WRONG. One is too many, a thousand's not enough. So, I've made a new rule for myself. I just don't drink while I'm sober.

I am happy with my life as it is, despite it's challenges. I wake up every day with a smile on my face. I look forward to the future without drinking or drugs. For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have A LOT to look forward to. Thanks Sarah for giving me this!

Heterosexual Questionnaire

While I totally stole this from Michael, I felt I had to put this up. The Last question is too funny, in light of where I've been!


1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you decide that you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5.If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay or lesbian lover?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into your lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Why can’t you just be what you are and keep quiet about it?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

11. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you?

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings?

15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential?

16. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Any Publicity is Better than no Publicity

I guess any publicity is better than none. Here's an article about the place that saved my life. The article is about the "inadequate aftercare" and how dangerous it can be. The message is, "They make you drink until you puke and then give you Sodium Penathol to make sure you don't lie." Yes! They do make you drink until you puke! It's called Aversion Therapy for a reason! Look it up, people! It's not supposed to be fun. In most cases however, they make you puke and then drink. I signed on for this voluntarily.

I've tried other modalities. They didn't work. Believe me, if I thought that something else would have worked, I would have done that. As I've already said, I owe my life to Schick Shadel. It was the best and worst time of my life. Don't let the message of the article fool you. I've never laughed so hard and made so many friends in my life. Of the 100 or so contacts in my phone book, about 30 of them are people I've met in treatment that I know I can call on at any time. One guy sat with me in the hospital for a night, shortly after my leaving. We're all going through the same thing. Most of us have tried other centers, to no avail.

The treatment is severe, but not inhumane. We're all there VOLUNTARILY! They don't take people on court deferrments. The aftercare that I received, as well as all of the patients I spoke with, was top notch. Of course you don't remember getting to your room after a rehabilitation interview. That's kind of the point. You are monitored for some time before being taken to your room and put to bed.

I do appreciate that the newscaster brings up the sucess rate with the reporter. Schick Shadel works! It's not for everyone though!

Grammar Rocks!

Most people that know me, know that I can be rather picky when it comes to grammar, even though I suck at it. I thought this article rocked! Click Here